Flying away..

Like a butterfly.. I fly away..

Have you ever felt like you are lost.. Like you are in a circle and you can't get out from it..? Have you ever felt like the path you are walking at is wrong..? Have you ever felt like you are so weak to go on alone..?

I wonder why I stopped writing.. Is it because I am feeling so empty lately that I have nothing to write about..? Is it because I only write when something bad occurs..? Or is it because I finally realized that my writing is full of rubbish..?!

Sometimes I feel like I am a bad person.. An opportunistic person.. A selfish person.. I feel like I only take advantages from others.. I use people.. I spend my time with them when I feel lonely and as soon as I get bored I leave them behind.. Without caring.. All what matters is me.. What I feel.. And who is the next victim..

I know many people would say this is not me.. But unfortunately this is me.. Those people I left would know that this mean character is me.. I hurt many people.. I hurt people who loved me with all of their heart.. And I am still hurting them..!! It is like I cant stop doing this.. I love them.. And I know whatever I am doing is wrong.. Yet I can't stop it.. And I wish they would never find out..!

Like a butterfly.. I fly away.. I fly with my pain.. I fly with their pain.. I land on a pink rose.. I smile.. I loved them.. I love them.. It doesn’t matter what people think.. It doesn’t matter what they feel.. It doesn’t matter where we go.. it doesn’t matter who would understand me.. I matter.. And that’s what matter..


August 20, 2009

Butterfly Chick

Break Ups

So he broke up with me what the big deal about it?


He said he doesn't want me.. So..?


Do I really need him in my life? Do I need someone who is welling to give up on me after all these years?


He said he found himself not enough for me.. Thank you for telling me that now.. Thank you for realizing that after all what we had..!!


Sometimes I think guys are stupid.. they spend years of their life with someone then finally they discover that the girl deserves someone better! Said by who?!!


Why on earth do guys do that!


Ok so back to US.. Is it us? Or is it just a single me and a single you!

Are you really done with me this time? You don't want me?


I don't know why I can't get the idea of us breaking up!

Maybe because through all those years we had many break ups!
& I know every break up ends with us fixing things again..!

Uh.. I don't know what is the best for me..


You are not welling to do simple things for me.. I don't see myself asking you for much!
I saw girls who ask their boyfriends to buy them some expensive stuff, I saw girls using their boyfriends..
I never did that to you!

All what I am asking now is for you to be a better person.. For us to live happily ever after! Tell me am I asking for much? Well.. You said I am!

I know we reached to somewhere that we cant get apart! But telling me that you are much better without me makes me think about it over and over again!

You want us to get married, yet you are not welling to go through the marriage steps.. I need you to be the man who I can relay on! Who whenever I fell down, he catches me up! I don't need a man who doesn't know what the future is hiding for him! I need you to plan for us, for our home, for our children.. I need you to be realistic.. I need you to grow up!!!

I hate it when you criticize me!
I hate it when you laugh and keep joking when I am so serious in a subject!
I hate it when you tell me I am ugly!!!!
I hate it when I wear the nicest dress & put the simplest make up then you end up with making fun at me, what I am wearing, & how I look!
I hate it when you don't call!
I hate it when you keep ignoring me!
I hate it when you tease me!
I hate how stubborn you can be!
I hate how un-ambitious you can be!
I hate how you give up on things so easily!
I hate how you want everything to come directly to you in an easy way!
I hate how you can't spoil me!
I hate it when you don't spoil me!!
I hate how you make me cry!
I hate it when I write for you all what I am feeling and my writings end up to be closed in one of your closets!
I hate it when you don't bother yourself to ask about my day!
I hate how I am feeling now!
I hate the tears that are rolling on my eyes!
I hate how much I need you & I can't find you!

& most of all
I hate how much I love you!
I hate how much I can't give up on you!
I hate how I imagine us in our house!
I hate how I imagine my kids from you!
I hate how I see us living happily ever after!
I hate how much I am waiting for you to come back!!

My Dolly

Since I was a kid.. You were my only friend..
Since I was a kid.. You were the only one here to listen to me.. To tell me what to do.. To calm me down..
Since I was a kid.. Since they were fighting.. You were there to hold me and tell me things are gonna be right.. You were there to wipe my tears.. To warm me at night.. To close my eyes and ears on the things were happening..

That night.. I went down slowly.. You were on bed sleeping.. I wanted to follow the sounds.. To see what's going.. I started to stare behind that wall.. Saw him.. How ugly he was that night.. How devil he looked.. And she.. She was lying down on the floor.. I saw her tears falling down.. And I saw how she turned to blue.. But he didn't stop.. She was screaming.. And he was hitting her more and more.. I wanted to get near.. I wanted to hold her.. I just was too scared.. I didn't want him to hit me too!.. I whispered in the dark.. I love you mom.. I wish you would die dad..!

Ran up to my closet.. Held my doll.. And started to cry.. I heard her blaming me.. "Why did you get down.. Why did you do that?!" .. I couldn't talk.. I felt so weak.. I whispered to her.. "Dolly.. You are my only friend.. Tell me why my dad always beat my mom.. Why is he doing that..!?" at that moment.. I couldn't hear her talking.. At that moment.. I heard some steps coming around.. I held my breath.. I didn't want him to find me..! But.. He opened the door.. I screamed.. He didn't care.. He pulled me from my hair.. And drag me to the bed.. I begged him to let me go.. I told him that I didn't do a thing.. I was at my room all the day.. But he didn't listen.. He started to take my cloths off.. I shouted.. Dad.. What are you doing..?! Cried.. Dolly.. Oh dolly, please come help me..! No one moved.. No one helped.. After few minutes.. Dad moved away from me.. I felt so weird.. Bloods were on my tiny bed.. I went to my doll.. Held her so tight.. Oh dolly, tell me what happened.. I shouted.. Oh dolly, why you didn't move..! Pulled her toward me more.. Cried all the night.. Went down.. Sat on the stairs..

Who am I now.. Where am I.. Who is he.. Where is he! Why did you do this dad.. Mom was lying down with blood.. While I was sitting there.. Don't know what to do.. Thanks for being here dolly.. Thanks for sharing all this.. I guess its time to leave now.. I guess it's the day.. Went to the kitchen.. Took the knife.. Put it on my neck.. Scratched it.. Till I felt that my soul is coming out.. Till I fell down on that cold floor..
Goodbye dolly.. Thanks for being a great friend..

April 6, 2006
ButterflyChick

Oh Yal A7maR !

Oh Yal A7maaaaaaaaaaaaR

El3aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaB Fel Sa7aaaaaaaaaa

Oh Yal A7maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaR

El3aaaaaaaaaaaaab Feel Sa7aaaaaaaaaaa





Monta5bna el wa6ani el Ba7rainiii beyel3ab elyoom '9ed munta5ab newslanda..

hahaha akaa they are playing now :P

anywaaaaaaaaaaay ..

7ayooooooo el a7maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar

o best luck for them inshallaa


Pray for us to win o inshalla no9al ka2s el 3alam =D

Fel Dawam!!!?

Good morning everyone..
Uf.. I am sorry to start my post with an UF ! Bas shaswi I am so bored..

9ar li shahar ashte'3el now.. I will be working only for two months as temporary.. But it is so boring in here.. Mafee sh'3el !! .. Ma3endi shay asaweeh !! Ok yamken ba3a'9kum will say it is blessing.. But it is not ! Imagine dawami min 8 A.M lee 12.30 P.M, then min 4 P.M lee 7 P.M o I am sitting bas chethee on the chair and not even moving! Wallah thahri tekasar min el ga3da o chatfi e3awerni =\

Last month kan shway 3endi sh'3el cuz wa7da kanat 6al3a ejaza so I took her place.. Now.. Nothing at all !

My boss kalmni gabel yoomain, galii ha a7een 5af el sh'3el? Erta7tai? Gelt lah la! Gabel at least 3endi shay now nothing !! .. Ela the7ak.. Later yeeh lai galii so you are bored? Gelt lah ma3endi sh'3el ! Gali okay then enter the company's folder and give us new ideas.. I was like ha…?? Ideas….?? About what…..?!! He said check the system o give us better ideas or study the market..!

So 9ara7a 9ert confused.. O gelt yarait matekalamt lol.. 9ij sh3arfni how to give them new ideas or new ways.. Ana sh'3lhum ma3arfah ! Zain fee wa7ed meskeen shera7 li my own job!

Yamken ga3da at7al6am cuz hai awal sh'3la ashte'3lha.. Bas I feel lost here.. Sha'3la mo taba3 ta5a9u9i fa hal shay mo emraye7ni .. I guess 5ala9 I will spend hal two months ma3ahum o ba6la3 mabeehum ethabtooni .. ! Pray for me ena a7a9el better job =( ! .. 9ar li almost 7 months at home searching for a job lema 79alt hai as temporary..

Al7amdella 3ala kel7al magelt shay.. Oo 9ij the people who work here are so nice o kind with me, bas I need to work at somewhere or something related to my major.. So please please pray for me

Lol wayed te7l6amt adrii.. O still ma3arf shaswi weya hal system.. Kel ma adesh 3ala someone's folder achoofhum 7a6een pix.. A36ee ideas in what.. In their pix? = !

=( uh.. God help me.. I am so sleepy

ShrayKum Fee Hal Moo'9a?

Tell me shraykum

A New Me!

I wrote this one last year on my birthday.. I dunno why I choose special days to write such sad poems lol .. Hope you like it..

When you find yourself standing away.. Hearing the birds chirping.. Feeling the winds on your cheeks.. You smile.. Walk away.. & realize that you finally made it..

While you walk away.. You keep smiling.. Yet you find a tear rolling in your eyes.. You hide it from everybody.. You hide it from yourself too.. You know you became the strongest person you always dreamt to be.. You don’t want this tear to affect on you.. You pretend that that tear was a tear of joy.. A tear of victory.. A tear that you deserve to let it go..

While you walk away.. You see them standing behind you.. Not even moving.. You knew you lost them.. Or let me rephrase it to better words.. You knew they lost you.. You knew you can do nothing about it.. You knew you gave them a lot of chances.. You gave them all you have.. You gave them your trust and they just smashed everything and dropped it away.. You know you deserve someone better.. Even if you thought they were the best.. You know you can move on forward.. Even when you thought it was the hardest thing to do.. You know you can meet new people.. Even if you have problems with picking them.. You learnt new stuff.. You feel more mature.. Some people say life is unfair.. I say people are unfair.. People who make life be unfair..!

Walking away.. Hearing the birds chirping.. You feel the joy inside your heart.. You can’t stop smiling.. You feel strong.. You don’t need them in your life.. You don’t need to be ignored anymore.. You don’t need to get lied on anymore.. You don’t need to be unwanted anymore.. You don’t need to hear words you never liked.. You don’t need to sit with people who enjoyed hurting you in a way they meant it or not.. You don’t need to get a heart broken every time you see them or be with them.. You finally realize you’ve grown up.. To be someone better.. To be a new person.. Not that person who they used to use.. Not that person who they used to rely on.. Not that person who has never had independent personality.. Now you can make your own choices.. Now you can make your own decisions.. Now you can face the whole world alone.. Because you are more mature.. Because you knew that you can’t trust anyone you meet.. Because you knew that people are not the same even if they were born together..

Walking away.. Hearing the birds chirping.. Feeling the winds on your cheeks.. You feel cold.. You keep holding yourself so tight.. Those tears rolling from your eyes can really warm you.. You won’t forget them.. You won’t forget what you had.. Yet you won’t miss the old days.. You just can’t get over what happened.. Even if you walked miles away.. You might miss what you had once.. But you won’t miss them.. You won’t miss them for your own sake.. Because you knew.. All what you had was fake..

When you find yourself standing away.. Hearing the birds chirping.. Feeling the winds on your cheeks.. You smile.. Walk away.. Wishing yourself a happy day.. And thanking them for all the days they shared it with you.. Even if there were some of days which were the worst ones in your life..

Replying to Namool's post

I read this post in Namool's blog and I loved the idea.. So I will answer his questions

His post:
http://namoool.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-post.html

My answers:
اسم مدونتك
المعنى وسبب اختياره ؟
Butterfly Chick
I used it cuz I love butterflies they are so cute and adorable and I see myself as a butterfly.. love to fly

الجنس ؟
Female

لماذا تدون ؟
I love writing.. and I used to write a lot before.. so I feel like I need to express myself in something.. that’s why I thought about doing this blog


لمن تدون ؟
for all

عن ماذا تدون ؟
Till now I am writing about things happened to me, things I am reading, and things I wrote before

قدوتك في الحياة ؟
Mommy

هدفك في الحياة ؟
I wanna get a better job, get married, & have kids!

اوصف نفسك بسطرين ؟
calm girl who loves sleeping!

اكثر صفه تنطبق عليك ؟
Moody

كاتبك او آديبك المفضل ؟
I like jodi picoult

شاعرك المفضل ؟
No one special, 7amed zaid yamken


اين ترى نفس بعد ١٠ سنوات ؟
Inshalla married lol

كلمة لقراء مدونتك ؟
thanks for being here and for your kind replies

صفحة من مذكراتي

مع حلول المساء تجلس وحيدا.. تنتظر عودتهم.. تتطلع عاليا للسماء.. تخفي دموعا قد سالت.. لقد وعدوك بالقدوم.. لقد انتظرتهم كثيرا.. انتظرتهم حتى بات خيالهم يواسيك.. حتى بت تحادث خيالهم الذي لا وجود له..!

حلم..
أحببتك كما لم أحب من قبل.. عشقتك.. حتى صرت الفارس الذي لا يفارق احلامي.. كل ليلة كنت على انتظارك.. فقد كنت تزورني.. لتحكي لي قصصا.. لتلاطفني وتداعبني.. حتى بت لا استطيع النوم إلا على صدرك الدافئ.. كنت أشعر بأصابعك وهي تمر برفق على شعري.. كنت أشعر بأنفاسك الدافئة.. كم أحببت التواجد معك.. كم أحببت محادثتك.. كم تمنيت أن تكون حقيقة وليس خيال صنعته.. ومع اشراق يوم جديد خبأتك.. خبأتك بين دفاتري وأوراقي.. حتى صرت حلمي الوهمي.. الذي انتظره كل ليلة.. لأنام على صوته الدافئ واسيتقظ على همساته..!
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لوحة..
رسمتك بين دفاتري.. أهديتك كل ما أملك.. أحببتك ورعيتك.. أهتتمت بك كثيرا.. كُنْتُ كالماء الذي يروي الزهرة.. وكُنتَ كالشوك التي تطعن من يمسكها.. وفي كل طعنة تطعنني فيها اسامحك.. وأردد انك يوما لم تقصد فيه إيذائي.. كنت أعلم انك كنت تقوم بذلك مرارا وتكرارا لأنني أسامح.. كنت أعلم أنك كنت تتعمد في اذيتي لانني اسكت.. كنت اعلم انك لم تعتبرني يوما شخصا مهما في حياتك.. فلا تنكر يا سيدي اليوم.. فلا تقول انك تهتم لأمري.. افمن يهتم لأمر شخص ما يجرحه كما فعلت..؟!
وفي اشراقة يوم آخر.. ارسمك مرة أخرى.. ارسم عبارات الحب والوله على وجهك.. ارسمك وانت تحتضني بين ذراعيك.. ارسمك وانت تقبلني.. حتى عندما أراك مرة أخرى اسامح.. فلقد كنت انت هنا.. وقد كنت انا بين ذراعيك..!
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صدمة..
كنت دائما الصديق الذي احببته.. الذي لم انتظر منه شيئاً.. الذي فضلته على العديد من اصحابي.. وكنت انت الصديق الذي لم يأبه لأمري.. كنت تفتعل الكذب.. وتؤلف قصصا من خيالك آملا مني ان اصدقها.. كنت ابتسم في وجهك.. واربت على ساعديك.. فلم اشأ ان اثبت لك ولنفسي بأنك كاذب.. كنت افضل ان تظن بأنني وصلت لدرجة الغباء في ان اصدقك على ان اقف في وجهك واصرخ بأنك كاذب.. كثيرا ما قلت لك إنني اثق بك ثقة عمياء.. وكثيرا ماقلت لك أنني اصدقك في كل ما تقوله.. وكثيرا قلت لك انك لا تعرف الكذب أبدا.. فقلي يا رفيق دربي.. متى سوف تصحى.. متى سوف ترى ان هناك شخصا يحبك ويدافع عنك حتى من نفسه.. متى سوف تتوقف عن نعتي بالغبية الطيبة.. متى سوف تأبه لمشاعري..!
وعند لقائنا.. أراك مبتسما.. فابتسم لك.. تتحدث.. فاستمع.. مع انني اعلم.. ان كل ما تقوله ليس صحيح.. مع انني اعلم.. انك تنسج قصصا.. فاستمع لك.. وابتسم لك.. لأنني لم اعتد أن اترك صديقا عزيزا علي ورائي.. حتى ولو كان لهذا الصديق سببا في تعاستي وسذاجتي..
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واقع..
كثيرا ما تضع ثقتك في اناس.. وتحبهم وتحترمهم.. وتظن انهم مثلك في كل شيئ.. تدافع عنهم.. وتذكرهم دائما بالخير.. ترتاح عند تواجدهم.. بل تحب ان تجلس معهم.. لانهم دائما كانوا يهتمون لأمرك.. دائما كانوا هنا ليسمعوك.. دائما كانوا هنا عندما لم تجد أحدا آخر لتحادثه.. أحببتهم ففتحت لهم قلبك وبيتك ودنيتك.. فسرقوا كل شيئ واحد تلو الآخر.. سرقوا من أحببت.. سرقوا من صاحبت.. حتى قلبك قد سرقوه.. فقد أحبهم في يوم ما.. وقد طعنوه بكل ما يملكون.. وفروا ساخرين منك.. ومن طيبتك التي كانت لا حدود لها.. حتى اوصلتك لدرجة السذاجة.. فبت جالسا هنا وحيدا.. تخفي دموعا.. أصبحت شخصا آخرا.. لا يعرف إلا الحقد.. تتمنى ليل نهار أن تعاقبهم السماء على ما فعلوه.. وحين تراهم.. تبتسم.. فمازال داخلك ذلك القلب الطيب الذي يتصف بالسذاجة..
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مع حلول المساء تجلس وحيدا.. تنتظر عودتهم.. تتطلع عاليا للسماء.. تخفي دموعا قد سالت.. لقد وعدوك بالقدوم.. لقد انتظرتهم كثيرا.. انتظرتهم حتى بات خيالهم يواسيك.. حتى بت تحادث خيالهم الذي لا وجود له..!
ومع اشراق شمس الصباح تجفف دموعك.. تبتسم.. و تتطلع للأفضل.. آملا أن يأتوك اليوم.. على الرغم من إيمانك أنهم لن يعودوا أبدا..


27/02/08

Butterfly Chick

I am in love with my aunt's husband!!!

I know I know the title sounds weird! & many ppl would think "shfeeha thay a7een?!!"

bas kaifee ! I love him!!



OK OK !! layroo7 balkum b3eed please



I love him as I love my brother, my dad, my uncles.. okay maybe a bit more than how much I love my uncles!

Since he proposed for my aunt he was so special to our heart.. he is so nice and funny.. he is so helpful and he wud never say no if you asked him for a favor.. he treats us all very well.. he loves his wife and kids.. he loves his wife's family ( Our Family) he is just the perfect man in my eyes!

I love to travel with him a lot.. he really makes an atmosphere when we travel.. I mean he never get mad at us and he always take care of us.. I still remember that day when we visited Iran and went to a restaurant were you take off your shoes to get inside the room and eat.. so after we ate he went out and brought our shoes and put them next to our feet!! Ya3ni it is like nazal roo7a lee 3end reelna o 7a6 lena el ne3el! oo la mo bas chee.. I remember e5ti kanat labsa hai jooti ely weya 5ai6, meskeen ba6elah leha o 3a6aha !! I don't think anyone wud do this 9ara7a..

To be honest.. I really wish to have someone like him to marry.. o 9ara7a he is a bit like my dad in his behaviors but shway better min el na7ya el deneya lol

I really missed him & missed my aunt


P.S. Don’t get me wrong people! I just felt like writing about him! I only adore him as one of my uncles nothing more ! After all he is part of the family :)