Unspoken words

There are just certain things in life that are better off unknown. things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt.

Now I have to be the strongest here.. The one who assure them that things are gonna be right.. But are things gonna be right?! We have been there.. Gone through this.. Fixed this.. But how many times we will fix it until its really fixed!!

Trust? Trust?! What is trust? How can you trust someone so blindly?! Why! Why would you betray this trust! What do you need more? What do you want more?! I cant understand why someone would do this! It is so painful! So pain inside.. I dont know how to deal with this..! All my life I was scared of betrayal and life surprised me with many ways of betrayals..!! I've seen it from everyone! Everyone I truly loved! Am I scared? Yes I am.. So scared of what life is bringing for me next! Things are falling apart yet I am trying to hold on.. Things are disappearing yet I am trying to clearly see.. I thank God for everything, yet I ask why this happened.. Why to us.. What went wrong.. What needs to be fixed.. Will things be back to normal? Will we forgive and forget AGAIN? Isn't it hard to continue forgiving people on the same mistakes they make?! Will Karma hit me on the face even when I had nothing to do with this!?

I pray silently.. I pray.. I pray to wake up from this horrible dream.. I pray to wake up again.. I pray .. But I am not even sure what to pray for.....!!

Angry Me!

I am pissed.. Angry.. Mad.. Angry.. Pissed.. Grrrr!!

I dunno why! But today is so not my day! I don’t feel like working! Since I came to work I’ve been doing nothing but staring at the screen! Nothing went the way I wanted! I am just so angry right now! I just wanna go home! And I have a lot of things to do today and I am nervous about it! I have to go to the saloon, get ready for today’s wedding and I will miss my family gathering! I hate weddings! No I don’t hate weddings I hate preparing for weddings! We have to do a lot of stuff! Saloon! Hair! Makeup! Dress! Jewelry! And I have none of these! I guess I will wear my short pink dress hmm!!

Hmmm.. do I feel better? Somehow! But still I am pissed off! And you also piss me off! KAIFI ! EE KAIFII! You piss me off! I will do whatever I wanna do and you don’t have the right to tell me YES OR NO! It is my life and I will live it the way I want!

I am also kind of pissed from work! I guess I will not get the position I always wanted! I don’t wanna be an engineer! I am not an engineer! And I did not study engineering! I am a business student! I have business certificate! And I am planning to continue my studies in business! So NO I am NOT INTERESTED in working in something NOT RELATED to my MAJOR!

Enough anger….



I Will Miss You!

I loved it.. Loved how we sat and talked.. Loved how we were so comfortable that day.. Loved how comfortable I felt when I was eating.. I loved how we used one laptop.. How we were looking at one screen.. I loved feeding you.. I loved drinking from the same straw.. I loved spending time with you..

For the first time that day I felt I am going to lose you soon.. I couldnt take my eyes from your face.. I wanted to explore every part on it.. I wanted to see every part.. Your eyes.. Your cheeks.. Your lips.. Your chin.. Your hair.. I'm gonna miss you.. Gonna miss everything about you.. Gonna miss everything about us.. Gonna miss our chit chats.. Gonna miss our late calls.. Gonna miss our early morning calls.. Gonna miss your voice.... I am not sad.. Not even crying.. I am smiling.. You made me happy in the past years I knew you.. You made me laugh, smile, love life.. You made me believe in love.. You made me love you.. I am not angry at you.. Perhaps we are not meant to be together.. Even when I believe that you are my soulmate.. Even when I know that you complete me.. Even when I know that its hard to live without you.. Perhaps its better for both of us.. I love you.. But its time to go...

Living in the shadow!

I'm sorry..

How can someone say sorry when they are repeating what they do over and over again..

How are you supposed to say its okay when its not?!

How are you supposed to say its fine when it hurts so much?

How are you supposed to smile back to them when you have tears on your eyes?

I am hating this routine! Crying at night and wake up looking miserable!

I don’t understand you, I don’t understand how can you say sorry when you don’t know you’re sorry for what!

I'm hating your sorries, your promises, your words! I'm hating how you tell me you love me, you want me, you wanna be with me! I'm hating how your telling me your trying when your not! I'm hating how a month has passed and you are still doing nothing, how we are still in the same page.. I'm hating how actually its been more than a month for that, how every time I've been saying this time is different, how every time I'm trusting you, how every time I'm believing you!

You're sorry? You want me to close this subject and leave it to you to deal with? You don't want me to think about it because it hurts me and it makes me cry? You don’t want me to think about it because it’s effecting our relationship?

I feel stupid.. I feel stupid because if I knew someone else was going through the same thing I am going through I would say leave the guy he is not worth it! Leave the guy he doesn’t wanna be with you! Leave the guy because if he wants you he will do his best to be with you! I feel stupid because I can’t do this with you.. I feel stupid even when I know if you want me you will try harder, I can’t leave you! I feel stupid that I cry at night over my stupidity! I cry because you’re hurting me and I can’t let you go! I cry because I love you so much and you’re not appreciating it! What is hard? What is hard about us being together? You somehow make me think that all this will go eventually.. That this won’t work.. That I am a person who you are holding on until you find someone else who you wouldn’t hesitate in being with.. I am stupid.. Because even when I know all this.. Even when I know you can do better.. Even when I know you can try harder.. I still love you...

Sometimes it's difficult to see the picture when you're inside the frame... Perhaps that’s why it’s difficult for me to move on.. Because even when all these stuff are hurting me so much I still believe that you love me.. I still believe that you loved me like no one else did.. Maybe, I am scared to let you go because I won’t find someone who will love me as much as you do.. Maybe I am wrong.. & maybe I am right.. I just don’t wanna live in the shadow any more...

Things I wanted to tell you..

23 Jan:
I wanted to tell you how bad I felt the whole day because I was thinking about where we are going in this, I wanted to tell you that I meant to ask you to wait for me when I wasn’t planning to see you just to show you how much it hurts to wait for something and it doesn’t happen.. just to show you how it feels when someone promises you something and they don’t do it.. I wanted to tell you that when I got back home I had a fight with mom over you.. I wanted to tell you that I was so angry at you that I didn’t wanna talk to you.. I wanted to tell you this is the main reason why I am not talking to you.. I wanted to tell you that I cried that night till I fell asleep..

24 Jan:
I wanted to tell you that I missed you when I woke up in the morning.. that I went to work thinking of you.. that although I was so busy I couldn’t take you out of my mind..

25 Jan:
I wanted to talk to you.. I wanted to tell you about my day.. I wanted to tell you how I was so angry at a girl with me at work.. how her message got my nerve.. I wanted to complain about her.. I wanted to tell you how I am learning new stuff at work.. how I am excited, nervous and scared at the same time.. I wanted to tell you that I am having a lot of work lately.. I wanted your support.. I wanted to tell you how chocho was following me the whole day.. how he wanted me to cuddle him.. how I was kissing him.. how happy I was about this..I wanted to tell you how I miss you.. I wanted to tell you how I need your kisses.. I wanted to tell you how I couldn’t sleep last night.. I wanted to tell you how I felt you hugging me when I was trying to sleep..

26 Jan:
I woke up in the morning missing you.. looking at my mobile.. it was 6.30 am.. it was the time you wake up.. it was the time I wake you up.. it was the time I hear your voice.. it was the time we kiss a morning kiss.. I wanted to tell you how I went to work late.. I wanted to tell you what I did today.. I wanted to tell you how I felt when I saw your message saying “I miss you”.. I wanted to tell you how I smiled yet how I was so upset.. I wanna tell you how I am having tears in my eyes while I am at work.. I wanna tell you how I miss you so much.. I wanna tell you how I cant concentrate on work because you are running on my mind all the day.. I wanted.. & you wanted.. perhaps we wanted different things…

A Beautiful Morning

a beauty morning where I am feeling good.. Where my heart is not hurting.. A morning where I am happy and drinking my coffee.. Where I came really late to work and planning to leave really early.. A morning without u on it.. Without ur thought.. Without ur voice.. Without ur kiss.. Without ur laugh...

A morning where I will start doing things for me.. For my own sake.. A morning where I will smile no matter how I feel.. Where I will think about everything but U.

Good morning to me :) !.

I miss you

I miss u so much that I wanna hear ur voice right now.. am so upset and feel like crying, wish ur feeling the same, wish ur missin me as much as I miss u......

I am so upset today.. I hate feelin down.. dunno what am writing.. just wanna write about nothing! just wanna talk not to think of u.. I love, I hate u....

Have u ever felt stupid becuz ur in love? Do u miss them? Do u want them when u still know that they r not tryin their best to be with u? Even when they r sayin they r tryin?! Shall I move on with a new story? Shall I go for it and let u go? Shall I spend one more year waiting? Am I over reacting? Over thinking? Over talking about it?!!

Screw it.....

Letting You Go...

Sometimes, something was meant to have but not to hold...
It's time to learn how to let go...

As I was surfing the net this morning I visited C’s blog and read those lines which I quoted “Hope C won't mind”..

It made me think deeply.. It brought pain to my heart.. Tears to my eyes.. I don’t wanna be dramatic here.. But I sometimes wonder if I am stupidly in love.. Sometimes I wonder whether I am doing the right thing or not.. Sometimes I wonder am I walking in the right path.. It is so hard to let someone go.. So hard that you feel the ache on your heart.. I dunno if I wanna let go.. But I know I had giving up in holding.. I am fed up with holding.. I have been holding this since years now and I don’t wanna hold it anymore.. I wanna learn to let go.. I wanna learn to let you go…
I tried my best today morning not to think of you.. Not to miss you.. Tried to hide my tears.. Tried to smile.. But every time my phone beeps, I hope it was you… yet I don’t wanna hear you.. I don’t wanna hear your voice.. I don’t wanna hear your excuses.. I don’t wanna listen to anything.. Maybe.. Just maybe.. I don’t want you…

Yes, I am lying.. But I should lie to let you go.. I should pretend that I hate you to let you go.. I should pretend that I am alright to let you go… I had enough.. I don’t wanna go through all pain.. I don’t deserve this.. I deserve someone who would die to be with me.. Not someone who I would die to be with...! I don’t wanna wait for you anymore.. I am flipping the pages.. To a page where I respect myself.. Where I am not blindly following you.. To a page where I am letting you go…

I Hate You!

I dunno whether I miss him or not.. I dunno whether I want him to call me or not.. All I know is that I am so angry at him.. Is that I hate what he did.. What he is doing.. I hate how he thinks its something silly to fight on.. I hate how he keeps me waiting.. & honestly.. I dun think I am ready for this any more.. I dun think I wanna wait.. I hate how he finds it hard to be with me.. I hate how I feel now about being with him.. Maybe I dun wanna be with him anymore.. Maybe I have to move on without him.. Maybe I miss him.. I miss his voice.. I miss talking to him late at night.. I miss talking to him early in the morning.. I miss spending my weekends with him.. I missed him in the new year.. I hate how I love him.. I hate how I love him that makes me hate him!
Guys are stupid.. They are..! Sometimes I wish I was never in love.. Yet I enjoyed being in love with him.. Pff.. I dun wanna think of loving him..! I hate how cold he is.. I hate how he thinks I will be waiting for him forever.. I hate how I dun even know what I am writing.. I hate how I am repeating myself.. My words.. I hate how everyone is telling me to move on and leave him behind and I hate the fact that I cant.. I hate how everyone thinks I am stupid for sticking with him.. How I feel stupid for being with him.. I hate how he makes me laugh.. How he makes me smile.. How he loves me.. How I feel when I am with him..
I hate how he gives me promises that he knows he can never make.. I hate how every time I remember this I get so angry that I dun wanna talk to him, I dun wanna remember him!..
I hate how confused he makes me feel.. How I can love him in a minute and hate him in the second minute!

I love you so much that it hurts.. I love you so much that I ended up hating what you do.. I love you so much that I expected you to do much more than what apparently you cant do.. I love you so much that I wish you loved me the same.. I love you so much that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.. I love you so much that I know if someone is not welling to make a step forward it means he is either not ready or deep inside he doesnt wanna do it.. I love you so much that I dunno till when I will be loving you...

Out of Blue

Sometimes, there are some stuff which are hard for us to forget.. Even when we try our best to forgive that person for doing it all wrong.. Even when we try our best not to think about it.. Even when we convince ourselves that we forgot about it.. Deep inside.. Deep inside it still hurts when you remember it.. You try as hard as you can to push this thought.. Not for them.. For you not to get hurt.. For you not to hate them.. For you not to remember what happened..
I do forgive.. I just find it hard to forget.. It still hurts.. It still hurts so deeply when it crosses my mind.. Sometimes those who are so close to you.. Whom you trust the most.. Are those who hurt you the most..
I hate myself when I remember this.. I hate myself when I flip back the pages to where we were.. I hate myself when I hate you even for a second.. All my life I was scared of this.. & life surprised me by bringing it to me from all the people I truly loved.. All the people I truly cared for.. & all the people I truly trusted..
I believe in second chances.. I have been saying this over and over again.. I do believe in second chances.. But.. Maybe I am still scared.. Maybe a part of me still afraid.. I am scared to love.. I am scared to trust.. & I am even scared to think of this.. I try my best to shake this idea out of my mind.. It just comes over and over and over again.. Maybe I don't talk about it.. Maybe I don’t show it.. But it still hurt.. It hurts so deeply.. so so deeply that you will never know.. That you will never understand.. That you will never heal..

To end it or to stick with it

How would you know that you are giving so much in a relation where you are getting nothing out of it?! When a girl gets engaged to someone she doesn’t know, she tries her best to understand him, to love him, to love this new man in her life, to talk to him, to share with him every little thing about her own life. When she does that and she still feels that he is rejecting her, that he is hiding stuff, that he has something he didn’t tell, she starts to lose faith on him, she starts to doubt this relation!

In our culture, the girl has to do her best with this man.. Not to get divorced.. Yeah a divorced lady is a shame in our society! Even if it was his fault, still she will turn to be the bad person! And there are few men who would accept marrying a woman who was married before!

I know maybe I am not making sense in all what I am saying.. The problem is, how am I suppose to give someone I don’t know all the love I have in a sudden.. How am I suppose to share with him everything, how am I suppose to solve our problems! What if he was a stubborn person, what if he tried to control me, what if after months of our engagement I still feel that I am not ready to take this step further, that I am not sure about my feelings, that I am not sure about him, that maybe he is not the right person for me after all!

Divorce is something big.. I don’t want to even think about it! I don’t want to take this road.. I just.. I just want to make this work.. The more I try the more he pushes me away.. The more love I give the more hate I receive! I am so confused that I am sick and tired of fighting with him every day.. I am so confused that I don’t know whether I should end it or stick with it and stay with the statement that says every couples won’t get along first because they both came from different environment!

To end it or to stick with it, I know, and I am sure, me and many other girls who would be in my shoe, would surely stick with that man, no matter how bad he is, no matter how crappy he treats us, we just don’t want to be divorced!

What are friends for?

I tried to write.. I tried to express myself.. I tried to express my anger.. But I couldnt let it go.. I just cant talk about this.. Its too big.. Too big for me to think about.. Too big for me to believe.. Too big for me to imagine..!
I cant believe that you actually doing this..! I cant believe that people are so stupid! I cant believe that people run from their problems this way! Screw it..
What friends for? Share it.. Talk about it.. Cry.. Shout.. But dont do this..! Not this! You are walking in a wrong path.. So wrong! STOP.. Please.. Wake up and see where you are going! Wake up!
Its so sad.. So sad that I wanna talk about it but I cant.. So sad to see your friend drowning and you do nothing about it.. So sad that I wish I could help.. So sad that I still cant think about it because it hurts.. So sad that I dunno what to do!
What friends for? Shouldnt I talk to you? But how.. How..!!
What friends for? What friends for if they cant be there for each others! Screw those people.. Screw them.. No one is perfect.. We all done mistakes.. But it doesnt mean going further.. It doesnt mean doing more.. It doesnt mean we cant stop! It doesnt mean we are bad persons! It doesnt mean we have to stay bad to the rest of our life!
I hate how I am feeling.. I hate how pissed I am.. I hate how I dunno what I am writing.. I just wanna write and write.. I wanna let this out.. I wanna shout at you.. I wanna slap you.. I wanna slap her and blame her! I wanna hug you so tight and promise you things are going to be right.. I love you..

Thank you God for everything.. Thank you God for being always there for us.. Thank you God for forgiving us.. Please God.. Help her.. Help her to go through this.. Help her to stand on her feet again.. Help her to be stronger..
I believe.. That tomorrow is a better day.. I believe that the better days yet to come..

Too Much Hate!

I dunno whether I should apologize before posting this topic or not.. I don’t want my readers to read too much hate from me.. But sometimes you just wanna let some stuff out of your chest.. I am not a hateful person.. I am just going through a tough time..

Seriously? You are asking what’s wrong?! SERIOUSLY!!
I hate how men act like jerks! Oh or perhaps they are jerks! Do you really wanna know what’s wrong? So all what I told you the other day was nothing? All what I said the other day does not give me the right to be mad at you? No nothing is wrong! I’m totally fine! Look at me! Screw it…
I hate being the one who is over wanting, who is over loving, who is over caring! I cant give more than I get! I don’t wanna give more than I get! My life wont end here.. wont stop here.. I know this and you need to know that too!
Wanna see more hate?
I hate men
I hate liars
I hate betrayers
I hate love
I hate Monday!
I hate how I love you
I hate how I love you so much that it hurts!
I hate how I am feeling right now
I hate how I am counting the days down to end all this
I hate how all the people around me are upset now too
I hate the first two weeks in October
I hate freezing at work
I hate how you act like nothing happened
I hate how you know what’s wrong with me and you still don’t give a *&%! about it
I hate how you act upset like I am the one who is hurting you
I hate how you want me to act normal and speak normal when I am really angry at you
I hate how you know I am upset and you do nothing about it
I hate it when people ruin their second chances
I hate men? Yeah I know I’m repeating it!
I hate not knowing what I want
I hate not knowing what you want
I hate not knowing what will happen
I hate not knowing what’s in your mind
I hate how I wanna write more hates!
I hate how I am feeling
I hate how I am not writing all what’s inside me worrying that you might read it!

Too much hate.. I am just so angry.. It’s been weeks now.. Trying to act normal till I fed up with all this.. I can’t take it anymore.. Screw everything!

Thoughts Out of Mind!

I feel so bad that I need to cry.. Feel so bad that tears are rolling inside my eyes.. Why did you visit me.. Why did you come to my dream last night.. I know I got over you.. I know I did.. Then why I am so upset about this dream! They say when you dream about someone who you weren’t thinking about it means that this person is thinking of you! Are you thinking of me? You didn’t forget me? Didn’t get over me? I cant do this to you.. I don’t wanna harm you.. What was between us.. It was pure love which ended.. Ended because they said so.. Because they knew better.. & I believe they did know better..
I am feeling so bad because I am remembering everything was between us.. Because I remember how hard you tried to be with me.. because I remember how even after we broke up you were still talking to my friends after years telling them you still cant stop thinking of me and be with someone else while I already moved on..
Am I a bad person? But I can’t stay on a memory that will never happen! We tried.. You tried.. I tried.. & I honestly believe that you were not the one.. Not the right one for me.. I loved you.. I really did.. But you were not the one..
I am sorry for all the things I did.. Please let me go.. Please stop thinking of me.. Please stop coming to my dreams.. I can’t be laying in someone else’s arms and be dreaming of you! Please set me free…

>>Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now<<

Love.. Hate.. Pain.. Hurt...

Talk.. Speak.. Shout.. Cry.. Laugh.. Smile.. Hurt.. Pain.. Depressed.. Love…

How can one person has all those feelings together? Is it possible? Can you love someone and hate him in the same time? Can they bring pain and happiness in the same time? Can they make you cry out of pain and out of happiness in the same time?
Why do we love..?! I wish I could stop my heart from loving.. I wish I could just shut everything away from it.. Can anyone do that? Why the hell not! Why this stupid heart has to fall for someone! Why it never listens to the mind! I’m just confused.. Way confused.. I don’t know what I want.. I don’t know what I need.. Do I need you? Do I want you?

I just need to disappear.. To think.. To decide.. To make the right thing..

Cheating?!

Cheating..?! define it for me.. talk to me about it.. tell me how does it feel.. tell me what happened to you.. Perhaps by listening to your stories I wouldn’t feel bad for myself.. I would be feeling bad for you!! Its harsh isn’t it? I never believed in love because somehow I knew it ends up with cheating and breaking up! I hate cheaters.. and you knew it.. you knew how scared I was of this.. you promised me you wont harm me.. you promised me you will take care of me.. I trusted you.. I fell for you.. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.. and when you became the center of my life.. you took out your dirty knife.. you stabbed me right on my heart.. and took out the knife.. full with my blood.. I kept watching it.. tears inside my eyes.. couldn’t talk.. I laughed.. laughed so hard that I ended up crying.. why did you do this..! why..! what did I do wrong! Where did I go wrong!..
When someone cheats on you, you lose yourself confident.. you lose faith.. you lose hope.. you end up being numb..
Why am I writing this? I don’t know! Why do I feel like this? I don’t know either! I love you.. I know I do.. I am just so scared of this.. I am scared that sometimes I still have doubt about you.. about us.. I am scared that sometimes I remember all the things that happened and it really kills me.. it kills to remember what you have done.. it kills to remember that you kissed her.. that you touched her.. that you really enjoyed every moment with her.. that you actually done stuff in front of me not caring of how I would feel.. that you actually knew I was in pain but didn’t care.. I love you.. but.. but I really dunno..
Sometimes you just need to let it go.. I don’t wanna think about what happened.. every time I do.. I try to think about something else.. becuz it hurts me so much to think about what happened..
Yes I believe in second chance.. yes I don’t show you how I feel.. yes I act like I forgot about it.. yes I did forgive.. but my heart.. my heart is still in pain.. my heart still ache me from time to time.. forgive me.. yes.. I am asking for forgiveness.. forgive me because I still sometimes suspect on you.. because I still sometimes think that you will cheat on me again..
I believe in myself.. and if this happened.. I don’t think you would be deserving a third chance!


I have no idea about what I wrote here.. I am not gonna edit or correct it because I don’t feel like reading it again.. nope.. its not my day I guess..
Good night all..

Changes

As you grow up you realize that you are changing.. Lots of changes pass in your life.. You change toward your family, your friends, your lovers..

I wonder why I’m changing like this.. What happened to the moments I enjoyed being with them.. What happened to the memory we shared.. Why I’m getting far away.. Why I’m hiding behind that stupid smile.. Is it a part of growing up..?! Is it normal?! Have u been there?!

As I walk.. I leave them behind .. Looking at me .. Whispering my name.. Laughing.. Crying.. They change.. I change.. Life changes..

New people enter your life.. And you start a new journey .. Loving them, caring for them and trying to forget the people who you left behind.. Is it wrong?.. Is it rude?!.. If not, then why I’m feeling the guilt.. !

In your life, your gonna meet a lot of people.. Some will stay, some will go.. Some will hurt u, others will get hurt by you.. Some you will forget, others will remain forever in your heart.. I wonder which one of them I am in your life..

I might be a bad friend, I might make bad choices, I might hurt I might be rude I might change.. & when I change.. Please forgive me.. Please forgive me for ignoring you, for being such a cruel, for hurting you.. Please forgive me for this change that was made by you..!

Summer, winter, autumn, spring.. I change as life changes.. !!


01/sep/2007

To The Love Of My Life..

Something I wrote long time ago..

How does it feel when you find that the love of your life is cheating on you?
Well.. First of all you live in the denial.. You just try to convince yourself that you are wrong.. And that person is not cheating and you are just making up things.. Second.. When they actually confess.. You try to convince yourself that you are dreaming.. And lay in bed with no tears.. You are just shocked and you wait to wake up from this horrible dream.. And when hours are passing and you are not waking up.. You realize that it is not a dream after all.. You realize that the person you trusted, you loved, you gave everything, is actually cheating on you and just dumped you for another love.. Calling them the love of their life.. After you were supposed to be their love..

I guess I should have known better.. I mean everything was obvious.. It was obvious that I was just a waste of time to you.. It was obvious that we won’t last.. But I didn’t want to believe all this.. I really thought you were the one.. I am hating myself to still believe that you might have been the one.. You just wish them to be back and thinking that if they come back now.. Before it is too late.. You will take them back..!

I am hurt.. Deeply hurt.. I never thought that he will do this.. I thought he was different.. Well.. They all come up with the different card.. But no.. He was different.. He made me different.. He made me a better person.. He made me think positive.. And he made me believe in love when I didn’t.. But wait.. He now.. Made me believe that love doesn’t exist.. He made me believe that all guys are liars and cheaters.. He made me believe that I shouldn’t trust anyone.. Because even if they are so sweet.. And even if they call you 24/7.. They will eventually.. Dump you like a trash..

I don’t want to sound desperate.. I know maybe I am.. But I don’t want to sound like this.. I don’t want him to know how weak I am.. I don’t want him to know that I can’t stop crying.. I don’t want him to know that I can’t eat.. I don’t want him to know that I turned to a dead person.. I don’t want him to know that all what I am thinking about is reasons to forgive him on what he did.. I don’t want him to know that all I am thinking about is why he left.. I am strong.. I know I am.. So I will get over him right? How much will it take to get over him? A month? Two? Three? A year..?

What I really wish to know.. Is he feeling the same? Does he miss me the way I do? Does he think of me the way I do? Is he feeling bad and miserable like me? Is he sure about what he did? He is not having doubt about his new love story? Does he remember me when he watches something we used to watch together, when he listens to something we used to listen to it together, does she wakes him up like I did? Does she sleeps and wakes up on his voice? Is she serious about him as I was? Does she really love him? Does he really love her? Does he love her more than he loved me? Maybe I am forgetting the fact that he never loved me..

Do I wish him the best? Or do I wish that he gets dumped as he dumped me? I am not a bad person.. I want him the best.. But still.. It is still killing me.. It still hurts.. "

Flying away..

Like a butterfly.. I fly away..

Have you ever felt like you are lost.. Like you are in a circle and you can't get out from it..? Have you ever felt like the path you are walking at is wrong..? Have you ever felt like you are so weak to go on alone..?

I wonder why I stopped writing.. Is it because I am feeling so empty lately that I have nothing to write about..? Is it because I only write when something bad occurs..? Or is it because I finally realized that my writing is full of rubbish..?!

Sometimes I feel like I am a bad person.. An opportunistic person.. A selfish person.. I feel like I only take advantages from others.. I use people.. I spend my time with them when I feel lonely and as soon as I get bored I leave them behind.. Without caring.. All what matters is me.. What I feel.. And who is the next victim..

I know many people would say this is not me.. But unfortunately this is me.. Those people I left would know that this mean character is me.. I hurt many people.. I hurt people who loved me with all of their heart.. And I am still hurting them..!! It is like I cant stop doing this.. I love them.. And I know whatever I am doing is wrong.. Yet I can't stop it.. And I wish they would never find out..!

Like a butterfly.. I fly away.. I fly with my pain.. I fly with their pain.. I land on a pink rose.. I smile.. I loved them.. I love them.. It doesn’t matter what people think.. It doesn’t matter what they feel.. It doesn’t matter where we go.. it doesn’t matter who would understand me.. I matter.. And that’s what matter..


August 20, 2009

Butterfly Chick

My Dolly

Since I was a kid.. You were my only friend..
Since I was a kid.. You were the only one here to listen to me.. To tell me what to do.. To calm me down..
Since I was a kid.. Since they were fighting.. You were there to hold me and tell me things are gonna be right.. You were there to wipe my tears.. To warm me at night.. To close my eyes and ears on the things were happening..

That night.. I went down slowly.. You were on bed sleeping.. I wanted to follow the sounds.. To see what's going.. I started to stare behind that wall.. Saw him.. How ugly he was that night.. How devil he looked.. And she.. She was lying down on the floor.. I saw her tears falling down.. And I saw how she turned to blue.. But he didn't stop.. She was screaming.. And he was hitting her more and more.. I wanted to get near.. I wanted to hold her.. I just was too scared.. I didn't want him to hit me too!.. I whispered in the dark.. I love you mom.. I wish you would die dad..!

Ran up to my closet.. Held my doll.. And started to cry.. I heard her blaming me.. "Why did you get down.. Why did you do that?!" .. I couldn't talk.. I felt so weak.. I whispered to her.. "Dolly.. You are my only friend.. Tell me why my dad always beat my mom.. Why is he doing that..!?" at that moment.. I couldn't hear her talking.. At that moment.. I heard some steps coming around.. I held my breath.. I didn't want him to find me..! But.. He opened the door.. I screamed.. He didn't care.. He pulled me from my hair.. And drag me to the bed.. I begged him to let me go.. I told him that I didn't do a thing.. I was at my room all the day.. But he didn't listen.. He started to take my cloths off.. I shouted.. Dad.. What are you doing..?! Cried.. Dolly.. Oh dolly, please come help me..! No one moved.. No one helped.. After few minutes.. Dad moved away from me.. I felt so weird.. Bloods were on my tiny bed.. I went to my doll.. Held her so tight.. Oh dolly, tell me what happened.. I shouted.. Oh dolly, why you didn't move..! Pulled her toward me more.. Cried all the night.. Went down.. Sat on the stairs..

Who am I now.. Where am I.. Who is he.. Where is he! Why did you do this dad.. Mom was lying down with blood.. While I was sitting there.. Don't know what to do.. Thanks for being here dolly.. Thanks for sharing all this.. I guess its time to leave now.. I guess it's the day.. Went to the kitchen.. Took the knife.. Put it on my neck.. Scratched it.. Till I felt that my soul is coming out.. Till I fell down on that cold floor..
Goodbye dolly.. Thanks for being a great friend..

April 6, 2006
ButterflyChick